Words hurt, please treat gently upon my soul when you speak

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I have a long ‘practiced’ response to threat, which is shock and shut down. Its my default to difficult situations, I wish it wasn’t, it gets me hurt. A whole new world of pain has opened up in my grief, its been 4 years since hubby died, feels like yesterday and forever ago in the same heartbeat. I recently was speaking to someone I haddn’t met before, and fell into a whole new painful trap. When the found out hubby died, the sentance after the shoe shuffle and ‘Oh I’m so sorry’ was ‘When did he pass?’ when I said, the reflex response I received was a shock, BIG TIME. 101 ways to meet new people, get back out there, find someone new.

WHY for the love of sanity why does society feel the need to fix and to have ‘deadlines and goals/targets’ for every thing in life. Grief doesn’t come with a clock, it just IS and I’m doing the best I can with the resources I have. I am NOT remotely ready to get back out there, find someone new. My soul mate was not a pair of shoes, that have worn out and needs replacing. First it was once the funeral is over ‘you should’ have bounced back to your old self, or embraced this ‘whole new you and start exploring’. It just doesn’t work like that.

I’m not sure where all this back of a fab packet advice on grief comes from, is it from greetings cards? Is it what happened to you and since no one has shown you another way, that’s the line you are going with? Each grief is different, how it happened, what lead up to that moment, what happened during, just after and since. All these things impact on how we react to events.

Death is not like on TV, its not always gentle, quiet, or quick. Grief is not like it is on TV, emotions are messy, noisy and loud. I forgive you if you can’t be around me when I have a meltdown, but that IS you and your reaction. It is NOT ok to correct, blame or shame me for how I’m doing, or what I’m doing. I’m not hurting anyone, I’m grieving, and its not pretty. I don’t have the capacity to ward off your advice when it hurts, so I avoid you, just as much as you avoid me. The separation hurts, but not more than hurtful words that I just can’t file as ‘well she means well’ any more. I’ve been hurt too much, too often for too long now and I’m done people pleasing my way through this.

Most people have forgotten this has happened, their busy lives were barely touched by this, and other thing fill their time. It is different for me, I don’t understand why they cannot see that, cannot show compassion. What have I most needed in my grief, company, a silent witness, who will be there by my side for a while. Someone I can talk to day or night, who gets me, even though they don’t know what this is like, they don’t try to change it, or fix it, they are just THERE.

Talking about grief is needed, every single one of us will experience this, if u have another living anything in your life this will touch you too one day. Like they say ‘Grief is the price we pay for love’. Is this the only thing I want to talk about? No but I’m done trying to find someone to talk to about this, done seeking permission to grieve how I am grieving. I am doing this alone, because there is no other option. I’m doing this alone because when I reach out and am corrected judged and shamed it hurts too much. So I journal, I scribble, I drum, I cry, I hold crystals, and I read books, or have audio books when I can focus to read. I write poems from the depths of my soul that Emily Dickenson would be proud of. Those poems those journals, they are the one place I can express how this feels, what it is like to live this day by day.

Everything born will one day die, loss will happen. Can’t we just walk each other home and be there for each other in a kind loving gentle way?

Billie

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If you are trying to support a grieving friend, please read this.

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If you know someone who is grieving, please follow this link and watch the film with Megan Devine in it. If you are asking yourself the ‘what do I say?’ question, this post is for you. It really, really hurts when you are grieving and need someone to just be there to just listen, if they ASK you how its going, or what you need, it takes so much energy, strength and courage to respond, then they hit you with advice, they try to fix things and  it hurts so bad when you are least able to deflect it or ask them to stop.

Please follow this link to a piece from a show that Megan Devine was on, for what you *should* say.

Yes I have a pet peeve on anything that starts with ‘should or must’ but when you watch you will see why, I am posting this.

This was aimed at bereavement but so much of this also is totally relevant to anxiety, depression and mental health issues as well. What I and a lot of others most need, is someone to be there, to listen and as Megan says to ‘witness’ NOT fix. Everyone’s path is theirs, they are doing the best they can with the resources they have in that moment. You may have been through the same situation, but your reactions may not be the same as mine. You  may have the same condition as me but our reactions are unique to each of us, because we are unique.

Best wishes and thanks for reading, see you soon

Billie

 

Poem A Day Challenge November 2018. Day 1: Glorious

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Hooray, well if you are reading this we made it to November, and if you need help for the next 30 days, here is it. Over on Writers Digest they do this wonderful challenge in April and November of posting a poetry prompt for every day. For some reason this time of year is my most poetical. And even when I don’t feel able to write, I still enjoy collecting the prompts in a note book for another day. So my fellow stationary junkies lets find our favorite pens and notebooks and gets started. I dedicate this poem to the wonderful people at Writers Challenge for all they do and for this wonderful challenge.

Glorious

A glorious day to be alive,

A poetry challenge, here I spy.

There’s 30 days to sit and  ponder,

Write some words, and create wonder.

Gather now, with pen in hand,

Let’s all write, it will be grand.

Writer’s Digest – ‘Hey, High Five’

Your challenge, helps me stay alive.

 

As someone who struggles big time in the dark evenings with depression and anxiety. These poetry challenges are a real life line, a reason to get up and check in, to see what the days prompt is. (I’m old school n don’t have a smart phone). I don’t always write a poem every day, but I write the prompts down and let them roll round my head and see what falls out. If nothing, that’s ok, they can stay in the journal for another day. Sorry didn’t mean to make that rhyme. But its nice to have something other than worries rolling around in my head so the PAD challenges are a good idea.

As for the punctuation, yeah I do struggle with that, thanks to dyslexia. I go for the write the words out, (brain dump) read it out loud n see what sounds like a gap to breathe, (stick a full stop in or comma, here n there. Hopefully since its not going to be sent in anywhere for marking, its just for making a little while seem softer and for the pleasure of writing, then it  will be ok.

This is for everyone, you don’t have to share your results anywhere, just grab a piece of paper a pencil or pen and give it a go. Stationary junkies, its a good excuse to dig out your fave pens, I’ve just invested in some nice lettering pens, so maybe some of these will get written in to the ‘best’ notebook with some brush lettering titles. You know you are a stationary ‘junkie’ when your ‘rough’ book for poetry is a Moleskine! Gotta love that Moleskine paper. For those now wondering what my ‘best notebook is..’ I’ll add a link below. But seriously you can write on the back of junk mail if you don’t have a notebook, its all good. If you have those cheapie mini white boards, they can be good as you can move the words around till they sound right too 🙂

Links

Best wishes and thanks for reading, see you soon

Billie

 

National Poetry day meets INKtober 2018

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The INKtober official prompt for today was SPELL and as I opened the back door this morning, in the fog I saw something that immediately prompted not just art but a poem too, handy as its also National Poetry Day. I had planned a bit of a mash up today between; Inktober and Poetry day but life had other ideas, the poem got written but sadly the art didn’t get to the page so here is the poem and hopefully the art will get added at a later date.

Spell

The spider weaves her magic spell,

In silken thread at night,

To catch her pray within her web,

When they are low in light.

How patiently, she sits nearby,

To see who’ll come to dine,

Then binds them tight to hold them still

Within her silken larder.

 

Hope I can add some art to this page at a later date for the Inktober part.

Thanks for reading, see you soon

Billie

When you need to tell people stuff but can’t.

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I was just on Twitter and a post came up to a wonderful site called Stickman Communications. I will link below. Wonderful site, if you have a condition that makes it hard for you to communicate at times but is also an invisible conditions the items on this site look brilliant.

When you can’t find you word, but need help and want to ask someone something or explain why things take longer check these out.

Check out these keyring cards

There is so much more to investigate on this site, totally brilliant! Not just about anxiety and depression but other conditions that people can’t see but make communication difficult. Hannah Ensor you are a star on so many levels, thanks for all you do and all you have created. Waves from a fellow Spoonie, I hyperflex too, its a crap superpower unless you loose something down the outside edge of the car seat then having fingers that bend backwards and you can reach it is handy. The rest of the time it flamming hurts.

I’m going to be ordering SOOO much from this website! Just a short post today just wanted to share this and remember where this is before I forget!

Links

Stickman Communiations

More ways to connect with them.

 

Thanks for reading

 

Billie

 

 

Boundaries

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Anyone else struggle with boundaries? Where everyone else dumps their boundaries on you but you struggle to find the words to articulate your own needs and boundaries? I really struggle. I know what I like, what I don’t like, how I do and don’t want to be treated but I’ve spent so long squiching myself into the ‘boxes’ ie boundaries and expectations of others that I haven’t found the words to voice my own.

 

Here are a few blog posts I’ve been reading about boundares

I have no words yet, just sharing things I’ve been reading about.

Thanks for reading

 

Billie

INKtober next week, who’s in?

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Autumn can be tough, the long nights and for me a raft of difficult anniversaries triggering a lot of emotions. In November I play along with PAD Challenge, poem a day. This year to help me through October I’m going to give INKtober a go.

What is INKtober, its a 31 day challenge to make art everyday. I will post some video links in the coming days with more information about this.

For my INKtober 2018

I’m going to be using the following supplies

  • Dip Pens and ink
  • Brush Pens
  • Fineliners

Style

I’m thinking, keep it simple. Its a tricky month for me so this is mostly about seeing how I get on with the supplies above rather than taxing my imagination and skills too much.

  • Zentangle
  • Calligraphy
  • General doodling

Prompts

I think I’m going to go away from the official list and have this as a self care practice, nurtuing, inspiring that kind of thing.  Lets just say Jayne Hardy new book 365 Days of Self Care Jounal I just got, has lots of inspiring words in. Right now that may well be an alternative starting point.

Keep reading for where you can get that book.

Links

  • Jake Parker is the artist who came up with the INKtober concept. Here is the official Inktober website. Inktober official website

Jayne Hardy

So heads up I just contacted Jayne Hardy and she was fine for the words in her book 365 Days of Self Care Journal to be used this way. Thanks Jayne. So if you want nurturing, kind gentle words for your inktober prompts and are looking for a mindfulness kind of diversion with your INKtober.

Screenshot_2018-09-25 365 Days of Self-Care A Journal

365 Days of Self-Care Journal by Jayne Hardy

 

Here is a link to find Jayne Hardy’s new book and Jayne on Twitter.

Who needs a hug right now?

Want to join in with INKtober but feeling a bit anxious? Struggle with anxiety and depression? Have you heard of Blurt? They make the most wonderful self care boxes, you can buy single ones, or join for a monthly box subscription. They are like a hug in a box, full of things to delight your senses and connect you to the inner you.

Want the 365 Days of Self Care Journal book and a bundle of other goodies, a whole hug in a box? Rush over to Blurt where you can buy a Buddy box, which has the book and a package of treats to hold safe space for you when the world gets too much.

Screenshot_2018-09-25 'Self-Care Through The Grotty Times' BuddyBox - The Blurt Foundation

Blurt Buddy box for September 2018. Includes Jayne Hardy’s new book; 365 Days of Self-Care.

Self Care through the Grotty times. This link is for a one off purchase of a Buddy box that has the 365 Days of Self care journal in it. While Stocks last.

We can do this, we can take time for ourselves and our art supplies. Come and gather your fave ink related products n put them on your desk. Pretty aren’t they, tempting aren’t they? Lets find some paper and make some art. Ned permission?

I give you permission to take a journal and in it write this prompt from Suzi Blu

‘In this journal, I give myself permission to make the worst art imaginable’.

That quote can make all the difference. You can share you pics online if that feels good, or NOT if it doesn’t. Its about doing something that makes your heart skip a beat for good reasons. Take supplies scribble, and colour in the gaps, if just having the supplies out on your desk made you smile then YEY, that’s totally awesome.

Can’t face actual drawing? Its ok, how about using a colouring book and dedicating a bit of time each day to use that instead. I know its not ‘quite’ what they had in mind but hey, KISS principle here. Keeping It Simple Simon or Simone 😉

Namaste one and all.

 

Billie