Words hurt, please treat gently upon my soul when you speak

Welcome Back

I have a long ‘practiced’ response to threat, which is shock and shut down. Its my default to difficult situations, I wish it wasn’t, it gets me hurt. A whole new world of pain has opened up in my grief, its been 4 years since hubby died, feels like yesterday and forever ago in the same heartbeat. I recently was speaking to someone I haddn’t met before, and fell into a whole new painful trap. When the found out hubby died, the sentance after the shoe shuffle and ‘Oh I’m so sorry’ was ‘When did he pass?’ when I said, the reflex response I received was a shock, BIG TIME. 101 ways to meet new people, get back out there, find someone new.

WHY for the love of sanity why does society feel the need to fix and to have ‘deadlines and goals/targets’ for every thing in life. Grief doesn’t come with a clock, it just IS and I’m doing the best I can with the resources I have. I am NOT remotely ready to get back out there, find someone new. My soul mate was not a pair of shoes, that have worn out and needs replacing. First it was once the funeral is over ‘you should’ have bounced back to your old self, or embraced this ‘whole new you and start exploring’. It just doesn’t work like that.

I’m not sure where all this back of a fab packet advice on grief comes from, is it from greetings cards? Is it what happened to you and since no one has shown you another way, that’s the line you are going with? Each grief is different, how it happened, what lead up to that moment, what happened during, just after and since. All these things impact on how we react to events.

Death is not like on TV, its not always gentle, quiet, or quick. Grief is not like it is on TV, emotions are messy, noisy and loud. I forgive you if you can’t be around me when I have a meltdown, but that IS you and your reaction. It is NOT ok to correct, blame or shame me for how I’m doing, or what I’m doing. I’m not hurting anyone, I’m grieving, and its not pretty. I don’t have the capacity to ward off your advice when it hurts, so I avoid you, just as much as you avoid me. The separation hurts, but not more than hurtful words that I just can’t file as ‘well she means well’ any more. I’ve been hurt too much, too often for too long now and I’m done people pleasing my way through this.

Most people have forgotten this has happened, their busy lives were barely touched by this, and other thing fill their time. It is different for me, I don’t understand why they cannot see that, cannot show compassion. What have I most needed in my grief, company, a silent witness, who will be there by my side for a while. Someone I can talk to day or night, who gets me, even though they don’t know what this is like, they don’t try to change it, or fix it, they are just THERE.

Talking about grief is needed, every single one of us will experience this, if u have another living anything in your life this will touch you too one day. Like they say ‘Grief is the price we pay for love’. Is this the only thing I want to talk about? No but I’m done trying to find someone to talk to about this, done seeking permission to grieve how I am grieving. I am doing this alone, because there is no other option. I’m doing this alone because when I reach out and am corrected judged and shamed it hurts too much. So I journal, I scribble, I drum, I cry, I hold crystals, and I read books, or have audio books when I can focus to read. I write poems from the depths of my soul that Emily Dickenson would be proud of. Those poems those journals, they are the one place I can express how this feels, what it is like to live this day by day.

Everything born will one day die, loss will happen. Can’t we just walk each other home and be there for each other in a kind loving gentle way?

Billie

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