This one is just a catch up, lots going on in November some of the coping strategies worked too.
E-course 30 Days of Hecate with Joanna Powell Colbert, this was fab and I am going to do her 30 Days of Yule class too. December 25 is still painful subject, I feel drawn to try a year of Earth based systems, no previous memories or associations, I can let them be what they are and no more. If you would like to find out more, I’ll add a link at the end for where you can find her courses.
Daily Guidance e-course with Susannah Conway was AWESOME. This one was on Oracle and Tarot and I loved it and totally want to do the next one up, 78 Mirrors which is just on Tarot. Before this I was highly skeptical on Tarot, now I’m really interested in learning more. I enjoy the healing and journaling aspect of it. Like its the inner me communicating. Will add link to her page and you can investigate what classes call to you.
Just started Writing You Grief with Megan Devine. OMG its amazing! When I read the description of this class earlier in the year, I cried, it felt just what I needed, timing wasn’t right, I’d just signed up for Daily Guidance class. However October to Feb are difficult times for me with so many triggers and anniversaries. So I decided now was a good time.
I was nervous before class started, mean girl in my head gave me hell ‘ what are you doing? Now? This is your hardest time, this will be so triggering, this is mad!’ but her voice comes from a place of fear not a place of love, and I still clicked ‘BUY’ and treated myself to a beautiful journal for it. I tided the desk and set aside special time to write, with soothing sounds, and a singing bowl to start n end my writing session. Its been so healing. I’m only 4 days in and already I just know this was the right thing for me, right now. In my journal, no one tries to tell me not to say that, I can speak my truth, share my pain, my truth, write what I need to.
Not sharing prompts that’s not allowed but what my journalling did give me was this phrase. ‘What I need most is a witness NOT a judge’. I feel so judged by anyone who speaks to me, when you have lost someone, you are treated like you are toxic and avoided, or those that do venture closer, stare at you, trying to see if you are about to ‘go off on one’, most of the time I don’t have the energy to blub or to speak my truth as I’ve learnt its not acceptable to do that. I don’t feel inclined to lie to make ‘you’ feel better, you aren’t making me feel better and I don’t have the energy for mind games. I think my previous post went into all this so I’ll stop now. But I so wish it would be ok to reply to platitudes with ‘what I most need is a witness not a judge’.
Writing the cards for December 25th was so painful, self harm on a mental level, it took a mug of hooch and Pink cd played loud to get through it. Wrapping gifts was a little less emotionally painful as it appealed to my creative side more. Once again my situation forced me to confront my issues like it or not, I carefully selected cards from Sainsbury’s online for those who made no mention of glitter. It may look pretty but my OCD hates it, coz it gets everywhere and is hard to get rid of. Guess what, all the cards arrived and still have glitter on 😦 Hooch helped! The good news is, all are back in the cupboard ‘ready’ they can go out as needed and I don’t need to think about December 25 anymore.
For others struggling with the grief monster, head over to the Bereavement tab as there I have gathered sites that may be of interest to you.
I am very excited to have ordered a set of runes, from Ebay. I went for Holly as the description of the wood properties sounded awesome. I’ve been watching some great tutorials on You Tube by Tarot Tribes too.
So this is me, still lost, still bewildered and still grasping at things to try to find a reason to stay, a reason to keep my broken heart open to a world that feels so alien. Daily meditation is really helping, when I don’t do it, the whole day feels off.
What I have learnt is that you can’t know, you just have to be ok with feeling how you feel and go with that as best you can. When things start to spiral its the cue to STOP and rest, running faster won’t get you caught up, you will just get more tired and it all spirals.
If I have repeated anything for my last post ‘meh’ that’s just how my brain is right now. I’m learning to try not to apologize for the page I’m on. I’m on the page I’m on, until the page turns.
Here are the links to the places mentioned during the post.
- Joanna Powell Colbert here is the link to the 30 Days classes
- Susannah Conway
- Megan Devine and her e-course Writing your Grief
- GreenwomanCrafts Holly Runes
- Tarot Tribe Beyond Worlds and here is her series on Runes
Best wishes and thanks for reading, hope you find something helpful or interesting in these pages and links.
Sending you peace, light, hope, compassion and courage to keep going