Its coming up to the one year anniversary of my loss, this is the poem I wrote about how it feels here on Planet Grief.
Here I lay on the floor,
My soul screaming, in a million pieces since you left.
You died, you passed, you are no longer here.
It was sudden, little warning.
Acknowledged by you and I but ignored by those who should have helped.
Then like a thief if the night, death took you.
Not even glancing back at the devastation, left in its wake.
Now, there is silence.
A hole in my life.
No welcome smile
No arms to hold and protect
No praise, no comfort, no solace
No matter how loud I call
How hard I try
How hard I cry
If you too have just arrived on Planet Grief, I am truly sorry for you loss. I have posted some supportive website links in the Healing Tab under Bereavement. I especially recommend Cruse Bereavement care, they were wonderful in my darkest days.
I found writing helped me through some of the pain, it doesn’t stop it, but it gives you somewhere to say the things others don’t want to hear. The pain you need to let out but others avoid, trying to stop you talking about it, ‘Don’t upset yourself’ etc. For me, writing helps to ease the pain of those thoughts, helps stop them rolling around and around in my head, gives them somewhere else to go instead. If you have lost someone suddenly I can highly recommend writing as a way of finding a path through the pain and shock of it all. I have kept a journal of my feelings throughout this year of my grief and intend to do so for the coming year too.
Anniversaries of times you shared are so painful, but have often not been as I had expected them to be. Not better but different, and its learning how to find ways to be OK with different. If you find strategies along the way of your grieving, I highly recommend you write a letter to yourself of the things that got you through it. You will forget and when the next one hits, you can return to the letter for advice on ways to keep breathing, the things that helped.
Last year was our first Christmas apart, and I wrote myself a letter about how I felt, and what I did and sometimes included whys for things too. When you are in a really painful place, thinking is difficult, others often cannot begin to understand how you feel, even when they have suffered a loss themselves as each loss is unique to the individual.
Survival Tips for the Bereaved
- Just do what you need to do to get through the next few moments as best you can.
- Its fine to do more when you feel able, but take your time.
- Be kind to yourself, especially if others are not helping as you need them too.
- Remember, the expectations of others are not your expectations, let them keep them.
- Its OK to cry, its healing, ignore those who don’t let you cry.
- And when you need to cry but can’t put on a sad film and let the tears flow that way.
- Put a list on the fridge of things you need help with and can’t face. If people say ‘Is there anything I can do?’ Point them at the fridge and say pick one.
- Most importantly! Its OK to ask for help, assistance is often brief, so make the most of any that is offered.
Sending you peaceful dreams to ease your pain